Photo Voice

by Sunil (Sonny) Thaker 

Sonny Thaker is a Counselling Psychologist in training, a facilitator, and DEI consultant. This artwork combines creative writing and photography to explore themes on sexuality, mental health, poverty, racism, and isolation.

Instagram: @sonnythaker 
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/sunil-sonny-thaker-908660100/

FADED

I am the thick stench of burden you wish to disappear. I cost your borough money, I waste your official time. Asking for help is useless for no one seems to hear. Should I scream LOUDER, become SICKER or simply BREAKDOWN.

Perhaps I am invisible?

The rejection of my sexuality, the disgust from my faith, the ousting from my cultural community & the passing of my age… none of it is ENOUGH to get the support I require, the help I so desire.

A simple hand to help me stand again. Into darkness, I have fallen.

I should be better, I should be stronger, I should be smarter. Yet here I am still stuck in this fog. Still queer. Still brown. Still feeling alone.

Wait – do you even seem me?

WALLS BETWEEN US

If I have the courage to ask – I am politely excused.

When I have the energy to act – I am bombarded with forms.

If I have the strength to re-act – I am asked to appeal again and again and again.

When I manage to try once more – I am told it’s not the councils fault, it’s the governments.

If I still exist – I am scurried along to further prove how much I need you.

When the walls persist – I am tempted to give up all together.

If I disappear – I am less of a problem.

When I get desperate – I am doomed to cost you more money.

If I should do it – I am sure you won’t care.

Not once in my encounters with poverty have I received specialist help, counselling, funding or guidance that understand the struggles of my queerness within my colour, my culture or my faith and the deep rejection that brings.

Fund organisations that serve LGBTQ+ people of colour – we exist too.

BREAK DOWN

Am I white enough?

Am I strong enough?

Am I smart enough?

Am I experienced enough?

Am I sick enough?

Am I lonely enough?

Am I poor enough?

Am I loud enough?

Am I disadvantaged enough?

Am I broken – ENOUGH.

THE SYSTEM

The beginning, the grovelling… the “please sir can I have some more sir”. The cheating, the skiving, the nose diving, the conniving. Is this what I have been reduced to? What will I do in order to get my Golden Ticket?

I’m too old to sell my body, too well to be sick – that’s what they keep telling me anyways. Yet I am never too old to turn a trick, to spin a tale and to magically transform the cotton into gold… for it is the system that you have designed that has turned against me – a system I will in turn BREAK… for I AM THE CREATOR OF IT ALL – Am I not?

YOU’RE NOT MY TYPE

I often prayed to be white as I grew up in the UK.

I wanted to be seen, I wanted to be loved.

That was over 45 years ago and yet I am still not quite what they wanted me to be. I wish I was.

I want to be seen, I want to be loved.

The white dominated media,

The white dominated events,

The white dominated councils,

The white dominated workspaces,

The white dominated Queer spaces

All continue to remind me… I’m OK – I’m just not their type & yet

I still want to be seen, I still just want to be loved.

Am I your type?

DISTORTED RAINBOWS

As the lynched coloured folk hung by their strung out necks, the rainbow behind them wept in a broken state of disarray.

Who were they to ask for equality?

Where were they to ask to be seen?

All lives matter – don’t they?

Racism in the LGBTQ+ community?

It’s not our fault we are white – why should we have to apologise for all the prestige and privilege. We simply run and manage everything because we are MORE experienced, MORE educated… BETTER.

Why don’t they see this?

Include them but make sure to limit their numbers

We don’t hang them anymore

We just exclude them

Such a shame the rope will be wasted.